Setting boundaries can be a hard skill to master. I also love being “The Fun One”. No one likes to be “The Heavy!” These two things can feel at opposite ends at times. How can someone be the rule enforcer AND still be the one with jokes, games, and silliness?
Especially when working with kids/teens, or being a parent, it is so important to display your leadership style both for the well-being of a group or for a family. I often see staff members in adventure programs who start off “soft” or desperately wanting to be liked by the kiddos end up getting walked all over and not respected, which ultimately leads to resentment and frustration on the part of the staff member as well as ending in potentially dangerous situations when staff/parents are not respected. Plus, the kiddos lose valuable opportunities to learn from staff/parent’s wisdom when they can’t be bothered to listen to you or don’t feel that you’re a safe person to come to with questions/concerns. I have had parents come to me with statements such as “I just want my kids to like me”. As parents/staff leaders, I encourage folks to not focus on wanting to be “liked”. This will come naturally when you make a student or child feel safe and secure. “Cool” doesn’t always result in long-term impact and bonding for the population you’re trying to serve and tends to be more temporary and fleeting.
“Boundaries” can entail a variety of aspects with the focus being first physical safety followed then by emotional, mental, and spiritual safety. For many of the youth I work with, it is imperative to set these physical/emotional boundaries from the very beginning. For example, reviewing the Code of Conduct in any organization is important for letting the youth know what the expectations you have for them are, right from the get-go. This way, there is no “but I didn’t know I couldn’t do that” statements. Pus, you can then follow up with them when an expectation has been breached. This helps all participants and staff be on the same page to feel safe and secure when they know what is expected of them. This also re-enforces emotional group safety when we highlight the importance of team work, using supportive and encouraging wording, etc. Also, this helps youth know who they can go to if they ever feel that someone/something is violating their rights/boundaries or making them feel unsafe. Letting them know that you respect and value their voice and thoughts encourages client autonomy and respect.
After that, I focus on physical boundaries and WHY I am setting them. For example, upon arrival to a new camp site when leading a multi-night over-night, we gather the group and review where is “on” and “off” limits and why. Recently while guiding a trip in Alaska, I highlighted the dangers of the presence of bears during the salmon run and how if we go to the river at twilight (OFF LIMITES!) there is a very good chance that we are encroaching on a bear’s dinner! And, yes, we CAN go to the river, later, as a group and with proper equipment to keep everyone safe should we have a wildlife encounter.
I try to use “positive” statements, when I can, which are always then followed by an explanation of WHY (“Because I’m your mother and I told you so” is so 1950’s). I tell groups that I work with that I practice “preventative risk management” in that we try to stop an issue before it starts. Example, when leading outdoor education trips for 4th graders in the deserts of Colorado, we set the rule of “no running around the campsite”. We explain to them that when someone runs through a camp site, there are a lot of hazards (cactus, cryptobiotic soil which takes hundreds of years to grow, rocks, guide-lines from tents, etc.). With that expectation set in place, I try to then remove “no” from my language. Instead of “NO RUNNING!” we try to swap it up to “Walk, Please”. By saying “NO RUNNING!” it not only shuts a participant/youth down (Who likes to hear “no” all the time?) we then leave it open for a variety of other behaviors: skipping at high speed through a camp site, hopping as far as they can go, etc. By telling a youth EXACTLY what behavior we would like to see, they know the precise thing we are looking for.
If a youth continues to repeatedly make errors in their behavior I also like to follow up with the kid, one-on-one. For example, for a kiddo who keeps running around a pool edge, asking “Can I chat with you for a minute? Thanks. Wanted to explain why we walk around the pool. It gets slippery and when we run we can fall and hurt ourselves or others. We can have the most fun by staying safe and I care about you and your friends being safe. Do you have any questions? How can I support you in maintaining this goal?” This opens up the conversation to explore any lapses in understanding and highlights that your focus is on safety first so that the fun can continue later. Also, asking if there is anything you can do to support a youth gives the kid an opportunity for ownership in their behavior, and shows that you are invested in what works best for them, and also encourages self-reflection on the youth’s part. You get some interesting answers when you approach with curiosity!
In conclusion, I encourage parents and folks who work with youth to look inwards, first, to their own leadership style. Everyone had an innate set of skills that they can bring to the table, so by knowing yourself you can work on being clear and concise with your communication to others. In the long run, being “cool” is less important than keeping everyone safe. You will be liked when everyone is taken care of and supported. You got this!
Also, for my more visual/auditory learners, check out this YouTube video that echoes similar ideas:
Boundary Setting : How to set quick boundaries without upsetting your children.